| Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 |
| 2:43 pm |
Why me?
Not having what it takes hurts worst of all. Story of my life. Current Mood:  depressed |
| Thursday, September 10th, 2009 |
| 11:44 am |
It seems
I've lost my head. Quite a strange feeling indeed. I'm not following my logic, I'm not following my heart, I'm following a line somewhere in the between, which you think would be a good thing. Or maybe I'm following a line wayyyy off the scale that doesn't even make sense. That must be it. Last weekend was really good. Eventful. Happy for the most part. And so starts this weekend, here in sb for the 1st half (which will probably drive me crazy) and in the bay for Blink for the 2nd half :) Epic adventures begin now. I'll let you know how it goes... Current Mood:  thoughtfulCurrent Music: itunes new genius mix's Indie Mix |
| Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009 |
| 11:37 am |
Fuck.
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all... Current Mood:  pissed off |
| Friday, August 28th, 2009 |
| 11:58 am |
Slip n Slide.
Yup, it happened. So much fun! But I still really need to work on my self-control. I'll get there. It's J's birthday on Sunday.. I wonder if he'll do anything for it? And what I should do for it? Work today. Friday night later. Byebyes. Current Mood:  sore |
| Saturday, August 15th, 2009 |
| 10:01 am |
Friday.
Frustration. Last night was simply ridiculous. As most nights are. But last night was worse than usual. Ughhhhhhhh. What do I do? Make it all go away? Now its saturday and I want to have a good night to make up for last night, but at the same time I don't even want to go out... I saw like everyone I've ever met except for the people I wanted to see last night. |
| Thursday, August 13th, 2009 |
| 12:49 pm |
:)
happyhappyhappyhappyhappy I found a job. I don't know if it will work out but right now I am happier than i've been in a long time. Things might finally be going my way. Finally. but I don't want to jinx them, so shhh ;) |
| Monday, March 16th, 2009 |
| 10:41 pm |
letting it go.
It's not that i care about the fact that it's you. it's that i care about defeat, and i always let this happen. |
| Tuesday, March 10th, 2009 |
| 9:34 pm |
Ouch.
It's remarkable. How did I get here? Who have I become? What am I going to do now? |
| Saturday, February 28th, 2009 |
| 6:47 pm |
UGH
THIS IS THE REAL FUCKING WORLD. LIVE IN IT. I'M SO SICK OF PEOPLE AND THEIR STUPID BULL SHIT.. THIS ISN'T HOW THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE. FUCK THIS. |
| Tuesday, December 9th, 2008 |
| 5:50 pm |
...............
ANNOYED AS FUCKKKKKKKKCKCKCKCKCCKCKCKCKCKKCKKCKCC EFUIELFGUNl/scjsfhhkoshdljpdfubSKFBSEIUR HSMBVKIRHFLSHH Okay. I think I'm done now. Haven't updated in a while. Not going to now. My life is going through transformation I think. I just want to scream. |
| Sunday, October 12th, 2008 |
| 3:22 pm |
Secrets, Secrets
Piling up everywhere Not the kind where once you say one, you have to keep lying to protect that one until everything explodes... But instead, the kind invested in you from someone else, although I surely have my own as well. The kind that you want to be able to talk about, but you just can't. Everyone around me has some sort of situation. And here I am just wishing something would happen to me so that I wouldn't have to focus on everyone else's secrets. As well as everyone else's not-so-secrets.. I am tired and would just like things to fall into place. I also want to quit my job.. I am simply tired. |
| Sunday, April 27th, 2008 |
| 2:07 pm |
Whirling.
My life is crazy. I am crazy. I spin in different directions, often times out of control. But that's life. Everyone is whirling, sometimes clashing, sometimes fitting right in with one another. I have been so insecure lately. Things have changed so much. You will always be my best friend. My first REAL love. Purest in form. I will miss you. I will think about you everyday forever. But now I am free. And not in a way of being free of you. It really has nothing to do with you. It has all to do with me. I feel like growing down. Going back to the basics. I want to laugh and scream and dance and cry and love and smoke and jump and fall and climb and feel comfortable just being me. I think in a way she inspired me. Without even knowing it. She fixed what another girl had done. And neither of them have any idea. Everyone always says to have a mind of your own, to not run with the crowd, to be an individual. But am I not an individual even though I like the same stuff as you and I listen to the same music as him ad dress like someone else. There will always be someone like you, but being an individual is being happy with who you are no matter what. Not letting someone else get you down for any reason. I know I'm crazy. But I am rational. And I know I've made mistakes. But this is who I am. Life is about doing what you want. Fucking things up and making things good again. Getting to where you want to be, but at the same time not hurrying through life too fast. This year is almost over and looking back it has been a crazy ride and I have enjoyed it. And I have learned from it. I have enjoyed the new people. The new places. I learned that some people are not who you thought they were at all. And I learned that some people just change. People will cause you heartache and not even notice and some will notice and not even care. It's a vicious world out there, but it is soo beautiful and no matter what there will always be people who can help you see the beauty that sometimes seems to fade. In the end, my words seem meaningless in comparison to the vastness of emotions and life experiences, but they are still something to me. And I think that is all that matters. Current Mood: accomplishedCurrent Music: The sounds of a spring day |
| Monday, April 7th, 2008 |
| 8:27 pm |
Crimes.
Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?? Because it feels so good when I stop. But what about addiction of a higher sense. It feels so right, then comes to a crash? The colors flash before my eyes, telling me I'm moving too fast. But I can't slow down, I don't know how. It's instant gratification. Is it giving up too soon? Or giving in too late... The symptoms are driving hard And I know I can't ignore... You tell yourself you can't become addicted. It's not possible. But there is always something. One thing. Downfall. The water rushes quickly. Too quickly. Yet, while some struggle to escape, to breathe.. I dive right in. Current Mood:  distressed |
| Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 |
| 11:24 am |
Flashing Lights.
It's that brilliance that gets me. The creativity. The essence of imagination. It's because I can spell Konfusion with a K and I can like it. It's that release. That sense of Abandonment. It's the idea of being far, far away from here. Literally or Figuratively speaking Of course. I never could dream while I was sleeping, Put your arms around my soul and take it dancing. Current Mood: artisticCurrent Music: Marillion. |
| Thursday, March 13th, 2008 |
| 8:30 pm |
Speechless.
One really can do anything they put their mind to. I have no words. Tears? Current Mood:  weird |
| Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 |
| 11:03 pm |
My heart...
Is broken. No matter what I do. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: the frogs. |
| Monday, March 10th, 2008 |
| 12:11 pm |
Yes.
Tis a Glorious day. The sun is shining. The skies are blue. So why am I still so sad? Current Mood:  confused |
| Wednesday, March 5th, 2008 |
| 1:21 am |
FUCK.
I've completely lost my mind. My self-control. My sanity. |
| Tuesday, March 4th, 2008 |
| 1:54 pm |
And I'm dreaming in your living room...
...but we dont have much room to live. I think I am actually in a place in which I have never been before. I have just stopped caring. Just stopped trying. Am I giving up? I'm hoping it's just a phase... That next quarter will be different. That next quarter I will give a fuck about my grades. And my relationships. And my future. I don't even know if I can make it through the next 2 1/2 weeks. I'm so sick of this path. Of this road that doesn't feel like it's taking me to where I'm supposed to be. People haven't grown up. Have I? I want the real world. I want the hardships, don't I? I want the stories and the reality. I want to sell oranges on the side of the street and give the profit to starving kids in India. I want to get away from this. And you dont wanna be here in the future, so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past... And you dont wanna look much closer cause you're afraid to find out all this hope, you had sent into the sky by now had crashed.. It does hurt. But not enough to change me. To motivate me. I feel alone, because I am. I want to run wild, and I always have, but it's always like, just enjoy today. I enjoy today. What I have right in front of me. Even if it means putting off being free until tomorrow. And I am immoral. And moral at the same time. Because you only live once. So get what you want without messing up too badly. I always push others to fight for what they want. They deserve to get what they really want... But I don't strive. I've always been to afraid. And that's my big secret. I don't even really admit it to myself. Deny, deny. deny. That's all it ever is. And now that I have less motivation than ever before... ughh I used to give a fuck. I want to live. I want to feel alive. I want to feel infinite... But we dont have much room.. I said does anybody need that room? Because we all need a little more room To Live. Current Mood:  infuriatedCurrent Music: Konstantine. |
| Thursday, February 28th, 2008 |
| 5:23 pm |
Whatever gets you through today.
We always want what we cannot have. Always getting to one place only to want to be at another. Always reaching one goal, just to set a new one. Always wanting more. I know all about these things. They make up the story of my life. What do I want now? What am I going to do? I wish I knew. I could wallow. Cry. Believe me I've done that. I just curled up into a ball at Jenny's feet and slept it off. Then I got up, pushed my feelings away and started to rebuild. I didn't want to talk about it. So I did laundry. I didn't want to cry, So I took a shower... I did my nails. My hair. Cleaned my room. Until I was exhausted enough to be able to sleep. That's what I did and that is what I will continue to do... Stand up tall and live my life. That's what I'm supposed to be doing right? I still wish I wasn't so unsure... I am just going to try to hold on tight and not fall off... Because life, my friend, is a wild ride. Current Mood:  numbCurrent Music: Radio. |